If My Body Could Talk…

If my body could talk, it would say that it is extremely tired of living a life full of routines and short expectations.

My body would say it is strong enough to venture out on it’s own with out worrying about every (possible) negative outcome.

My body would scream from the pain it gets put through by the brain taunting it constantly.

If my body could talk, it would say “God please give me the strength to finish the day.”

My body would say to let go and just live! Be free and enjoy life! It’s enough with the sadness and the hurt. Its time to thank God for letting me take another breath.

If my body could talk, it would say “praise God!” With out the Lord I would not be overcoming the things that stand in my way. Thank You God!


Desperate For God

I began to get this deep feeling in my soul to pray. I went to my secret place and I started praying what was in my heart. I started asking God why I am going through this trouble in my life because there are many things he has shown his miricals on. I felt and I told God that I feel I am being left behind, I am not being shown the miricale that I have been praying for. Instantly I felt a thought come into my mind saying, “just keep praying for your husband.” Just keep praying!! I understood that that was what God is trying to tell me, to just keep praying and try to stay calm. I realized that I am here to pray for my husband. I am not here to tell God that he hasn’t answered my prayers. I need to understand that God heard my prayers and is working on them as his will requires. I understood that God is working and I need to just keep praying.

As hard as it is to wait, I need to keep my faith in God. I know he has done the same miracles in my family with my grandpa, and my dad so I know that he hears me an I know he is working on my prayer. I told God that I am bowing at his feet and giving him my petition to save my husband and bring us together again. I lied it all onto his feet and I cried out with my soul trusting him that everything will be ok. I want to be my husbands light, Chris will know God through me. And I prayed that God uses me in that way!

I struggle to keep my faith and I asked God for forgiveness. He has blessed me so much and I feel sad that I do lose trust. I am fighting my own spiritual battle.

Declaring For Shackles To Be Broken

I started off my day great! It was the first day that I have felt as if some weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I am working of being more faithful to the Lord and throughout the day I fought my negative thought and tried my best to replace them with the word of God. I know that a lot of people are going through troubles and are having a hard time staying focused on the Lord. I know because I am struggling with it myself.

My husband began texting me again and telling me he missed me. I know he moved away and I know he went with that girl he cheated with. I also know that if I want to be strong in God, I should not let the Devil try to suck me back in. I know my husband is in the wrong and I know that one day he will be saved. I will continue to pray and ask God for guidance. I love my husband, even now after all this, but God is first in my life and when or if he decides to bring my husband back than Praise God!

I will not be shackled anymore. I know I have to sign the divorce papers and continue to pray for Chris. I know God has a plan for Chris. I pray that Chris’ shackles get broken too! I will be strong and courageous.

God Vs. My Marriage

Let me start off by saying that I am a true believer in the Lord and I admit that from the time I got married up until two weeks ago my spiritual connection with God has gotten smaller and smaller.

I want to continue by saying that my husband HATES the Lord. He just doesn’t want anything to do with God at all. That should have been a sign for me. I was blinded by love to see that Chris did not love God as I did. We have been having hardship for a few months now and it has just been getting worse. I was blinded by the Devil and was not connected with God anymore. I lost my way through all the fighting and the arguments.

Two weeks ago my husband left. He told me straight out “I don’t love you anymore.” Wow! that broke my heart. Let me tell you I tried to fix it, I tried to get him to remember the good and we could work things out…it was too late. Within two days he was gone. He left to Colorado to visit his friends…turns out that he took another women with him. Now that broke me even more. I cried and blamed myself for not being enough for him. I was trying to think back on how I could have saved this marriage.

I couldn’t save this marriage. I was lost in my own emotions and my broken heart. Now let me tell you something, when the Holy Spirit says its time to change, it’s time to change. Oh boy how hard did God hit my with his Holy Spirit. He showed me that I have lost my way and I needed to get back to my spiritual connection with God. Now don’t get me wrong, I am still in a lot of pain but my husband and this girl have been gone for two weeks now and I am learning to put my trust in God and allow him to work on me. I am praying everyday for my husband to also be hit by the Holy Spirit and find his way. Call me stupid but we are still married and as his wife I need to get down on my knees and pray for my husband.

I am still angry but I try my best to give all my emotions and my worries to the Lord. I am working on having my connection back with God because He is my true Love. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I will better myself and I will be VICTORIOUS in the name of the Lord all mighty! My husband will be saved!

I am still going through tribulations and worries but I have the support of my family and now getting closer to the word of God. I ask my readers to say a small prayer for me and my husband and continue to stay strong in your Faith as well. I will give updates on how wonderful God has been working in my life and I want to express the Glory of God and spread his word on how he is the answer to everything!

“Wait on the Lord, be of good courage…”  -Psalm 27:14

I Think I’m Back!

Hello everyone,

I haven’t been on in a long time but have missed being involved in WordPress. I am happy to say that I have been busy with work and going to school for my teacher certification. It’s great to be back and hopefully get to share my journey on my way to getting my certification.

I have been struggling with my anxiety a little more but I am happy that I am pulling through. Life is still great.

I hope everyone is doing well and continues to do well. We will be in touch.

❤ Jessica

How Can I Better Myself

I know many of us ask ourselves if we are good enough for this, good enough for that, but do we really see what and who we are and try to better ourselves? I wanted to really dig deep inside of me and really bring out my dislikes about myself, starting with forgiveness and/or forgetting.

Now I am the type of person who really hold things in and lets it eat at me for a very very long time. This is also why I get anxiety so much because part of it comes from remembering the past and letting it eat at me once again. I want to better that part of myself. I want to be able to forgive and forget. Mainly forgive myself. I have gone through some stupid times in my teens and I have never really forgiven myself for things that happened to me, things I chose to do, and things that I simply HAD to do. It is something that affects me emotionally and something that always comes back to mind every now and then and you know that it sticks for awhile. I ask God often to help me forgive myself and help me let go of all those feelings of regret, sadness, and just overall dirty feeling inside my heart. I also have to make the change by not letting it affect me. Once I start remembering, I have to let it go and not let it eat at me. I need to have that self control. Along with Gods help, I also need to make sure that I am doing my part and that is one thing that I am hopping to better about myself.

Another thing is, loving. Sometimes I can be a little rough in showing emotions. I know I show love but sometimes I can show it in different sense where others may think I am just being mean. Remember in elementary school when that bully would pick on you all of the time but that always meant that they liked you, well that’s kind of how I am at times. I can be rough with my husband and he sometimes comes out by saying that I am just being mean. Reality is, he gets me shy, still. Yes, I get shy at times and I have no idea how to react and that leads me to panic and be a little mean. I need to learn how to be calm and just really show what I feel in my heart.

An important one that I think should be bettered in all of us is learning how to be patient and accenting others. Now, I have worked with many people who drive me nuts but just recently I was hit with this big “Oh my God” moment. I always get put with people who are a little hard to be with…ok a lot hard to be with. Now others complain about these people and just hate being around them, yet I am always stuck with those kinds of people. Why? I know why, because it’s God blessing me. God is blessing me in teaching me how to deal with different people, different situations. He is helping me learn patience and learn that everyone deserves a chance. I want to look at things is a different prospective and that is how I am going to better myself overall. Yea I may not agree with people or hate that I am being told what to do by people who can’t even do their own job but who cares, I am learning to be a better person. God doesn’t want to see me complaining and making faces he wants to see me overcome and do my job the best I can. He wants to see me go beyond what I need to do and make a difference. This is how I am going to better myself, this is what I am going to work on. I need to better myself to be happy, to have peace in my heart, not only for myself but to set a good example for others to see.

Just a thought.

May God Bless You All!

Jessica ❤

Is It Weird…

…that I keep thinking today is Friday? It’s Wednesday. This morning I woke up dreading the fact that I had to get ready for work, but then suddenly I was overwhelmed with “yay it’s Wednesday.” I thought about what I do during my work day and I wasn’t in pain. You know the kind of pain you get when you know you have to do something you don’t want to do?  I wasn’t upset about it, it actually brought me joy. Yay it’s Wednesday!

I am surprised at how fast the weeks go by and by how fast my life is rolling by. It’s funny how when we are young we don’t think about out future, but now it’s a must to think about. I say live your life to the fullest. Don’t dread the days and pray for Friday to get here so fast. Have fun everyday, love everyday because God gave you another day of life. Live it!

With Love,

Jessica ❤

God Blesses!

How many of us have felt as if you were stuck were you are and just don’t like what you are doing, whether it’s your job, your life, etc? I know I have been there. As a matter of fact, I felt like that not too long ago when I was thinking about my job that I am at right now. I am the kind of person who likes being in charge. I like being in charge of my own classroom and having the liberty to come up with my own plans for the children, and all that fun stuff. I work as an Instructional Aide with Special Ed Students and what that means is, I am not the teacher, I am the one who follows orders from the teacher and follow students around and write their notes down for them. Now I am not saying that I hate what I do, no. In fact I love helping children, that is what I want to do. I do my best for these children because it is what brings me joy. What I don’t like is bending over backwards for teachers who boss others around and turn around and don’t give credit where credit is due.

This past Sunday I went to church and the pastor spoke about doing things so God can see. It’s not about looking good for your boss or your co-workers, It’s about doing your job, going far and beyond with your work because you were blessed and given the job you are at. God blessed me with this job. Although I may not like taking orders, I do my job and I do it well because I know that another door will open. I always try looking at the positives and I am so glad that I was able to hear the preaching that Sunday. It reminded me that I was blessed and that soon another door will open for me.

I have to say that I can already see another door opening for me. I start school next week for my Teaching Certification in Texas. I will soon be able to teach and have my own classroom and make a difference by what I feel fit. Teaching has always been in my heart and is something that I will forever want to do. We all start somewhere and we all must learn from where we are. We have to remember that God is watching and he wants to see you succeed in anything and everything. God would never put you in any situation that he feels you would fail at. We have to look at everything in a positive way. I may not like taking orders but if that is what I have to do for the time being than thank God for putting me where I am and with the people I am around. Don’t worry about people around you. You do what you have to do and do it right. Do things from your heart. Be a hard worker and you will be blessed.

With Much Love, God Bless!

Jessica ❤

To My Husband


I wanted to open up to you through my writing in hopes that you will better understand the things that are going through my mind. I hope you have enough kindness in your heart to really hear me through all the way and feel what I feel, to better understand me and my struggle with myself.

Some days are better than others. You can tell right away when I have a blank look on my face, when I stare at the ceiling or when you ask me what I am thinking about and my response is “nothing.” Other days I have a huge smile on my face, I am in a great mood, but behind my shimmering eyes I am hiding something big, something not even I know what it is.

I know you tell me to find friends. Find a person who I can spend time with and share my secrets with, yea I can make friends, I like meeting new people, but the truth is I don’t feel as if I deserve friends. I don’t need people in my life. It makes me feel like I am obligated to talk to them. It’s hard for me to keep a friend. Not because I am a bad friend but because I can get anxiety. People give me anxiety. I am getting panicky just thinking about it.

Having anxiety isn’t just a faze that I go through, it’s and everyday thing. The moment I get into the car: “put on my seat belt because if I crash, I’ll die…I can’t be too close to that car because if he suddenly breaks, I’ll die…my left leg is in a weird angle, If I crash, my leg will break…did I lock the front door to the house?” If I think about things too much I get paranoid and it does more harm to my stressed mind.

I love alone time. In fact I love being alone so much that I miss being with people I want to be with, like you. It’s weird I know but that’s how I feel. These weird feelings that run through my body that I can’t explain. The sadness I feel deep in my soul for no reason. The random moments that I burst out in tears because all of these thoughts are running through my head at the same time and I can’t stop them no matter how hard I try. How the only way to overcome these thoughts is to bit my lip and wait it out. Don’t make it seem like you are breaking down Jessica because you are around people be strong, DON’T CRY, STOP TWITCHING, BREATH SLOWER, RELAX.

Why? Why is it that I go through this. I see you get upset when I don’t want to go with your friends or family, go to the movies, etc. It’s just I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like being around people, they get me nervous and I start thinking like they judge me. Everyone is judging me, because of the way I look, because of who I am. Panic sets in! You may not see it or notice it right away but that’s just because I am hiding under a thick shell.

Anxiety is building up inside me right now. I am taking deep breaths, I am also blinking my watery eyes more than normal. My heart races, my hands and legs get a little twitchy, my hearing is blocked a little. It’s all coming to me. This cloud that blocks me from being free. Free from my own mind. These anxieties lasts for weeks, so I just hope this troubled soul will get a break soon. I want to do things that I love to do. The thing is, I don’t know what I love to do, for myself, something that gives me peace and relaxation.

Now don’t get me wrong. I do have great moments. Like while I am working and things keep me occupied. I can be happy and love being around people. It’s just a matter of what I am doing and if I don’t think of anything strange to stress over. In fact sometimes I can hide it real well and have the best day but at the end of the day, it all goes down in flames. I start thinking about the day and what could have happened, what I could have changed. Oh the stress starts creeping back in. Oh well.

I hope you don’t think I am just trying to get more attention from you by telling you all of this. I hope you can really take all this in with an open mind and try to understand my needs and my worries. That is something that I also worry about. About what you think of me and my mental condition. I can tell it often irritates you and I feel as if it’s just a load of crap that I’m making up. No. It’s real. And it happens…a lot.

I love my life. Although at times I wish I didn’t have this life because I don’t deserve it, but I do truly love my life. My life with you and everything about it. I am very grateful and I will continue to be because I can not let this anxiety beat me. I refuse to let it win over my mind completely. I pray to God that he takes this away and helps me learn from it. I might be overwhelmed with sadness or get anxiety attacks but that is just what happens, it won’t stop me from trying to be me. It wont stop me from trying to find my true self.

With All Of My Love,

Your Wife, Jessica ❤