To My Husband

Chris,

I wanted to open up to you through my writing in hopes that you will better understand the things that are going through my mind. I hope you have enough kindness in your heart to really hear me through all the way and feel what I feel, to better understand me and my struggle with myself.

Some days are better than others. You can tell right away when I have a blank look on my face, when I stare at the ceiling or when you ask me what I am thinking about and my response is “nothing.” Other days I have a huge smile on my face, I am in a great mood, but behind my shimmering eyes I am hiding something big, something not even I know what it is.

I know you tell me to find friends. Find a person who I can spend time with and share my secrets with, yea I can make friends, I like meeting new people, but the truth is I don’t feel as if I deserve friends. I don’t need people in my life. It makes me feel like I am obligated to talk to them. It’s hard for me to keep a friend. Not because I am a bad friend but because I can get anxiety. People give me anxiety. I am getting panicky just thinking about it.

Having anxiety isn’t just a faze that I go through, it’s and everyday thing. The moment I get into the car: “put on my seat belt because if I crash, I’ll die…I can’t be too close to that car because if he suddenly breaks, I’ll die…my left leg is in a weird angle, If I crash, my leg will break…did I lock the front door to the house?” If I think about things too much I get paranoid and it does more harm to my stressed mind.

I love alone time. In fact I love being alone so much that I miss being with people I want to be with, like you. It’s weird I know but that’s how I feel. These weird feelings that run through my body that I can’t explain. The sadness I feel deep in my soul for no reason. The random moments that I burst out in tears because all of these thoughts are running through my head at the same time and I can’t stop them no matter how hard I try. How the only way to overcome these thoughts is to bit my lip and wait it out. Don’t make it seem like you are breaking down Jessica because you are around people be strong, DON’T CRY, STOP TWITCHING, BREATH SLOWER, RELAX.

Why? Why is it that I go through this. I see you get upset when I don’t want to go with your friends or family, go to the movies, etc. It’s just I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like being around people, they get me nervous and I start thinking like they judge me. Everyone is judging me, because of the way I look, because of who I am. Panic sets in! You may not see it or notice it right away but that’s just because I am hiding under a thick shell.

Anxiety is building up inside me right now. I am taking deep breaths, I am also blinking my watery eyes more than normal. My heart races, my hands and legs get a little twitchy, my hearing is blocked a little. It’s all coming to me. This cloud that blocks me from being free. Free from my own mind. These anxieties lasts for weeks, so I just hope this troubled soul will get a break soon. I want to do things that I love to do. The thing is, I don’t know what I love to do, for myself, something that gives me peace and relaxation.

Now don’t get me wrong. I do have great moments. Like while I am working and things keep me occupied. I can be happy and love being around people. It’s just a matter of what I am doing and if I don’t think of anything strange to stress over. In fact sometimes I can hide it real well and have the best day but at the end of the day, it all goes down in flames. I start thinking about the day and what could have happened, what I could have changed. Oh the stress starts creeping back in. Oh well.

I hope you don’t think I am just trying to get more attention from you by telling you all of this. I hope you can really take all this in with an open mind and try to understand my needs and my worries. That is something that I also worry about. About what you think of me and my mental condition. I can tell it often irritates you and I feel as if it’s just a load of crap that I’m making up. No. It’s real. And it happens…a lot.

I love my life. Although at times I wish I didn’t have this life because I don’t deserve it, but I do truly love my life. My life with you and everything about it. I am very grateful and I will continue to be because I can not let this anxiety beat me. I refuse to let it win over my mind completely. I pray to God that he takes this away and helps me learn from it. I might be overwhelmed with sadness or get anxiety attacks but that is just what happens, it won’t stop me from trying to be me. It wont stop me from trying to find my true self.

With All Of My Love,

Your Wife, Jessica ❤

 

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