How Can I Better Myself

I know many of us ask ourselves if we are good enough for this, good enough for that, but do we really see what and who we are and try to better ourselves? I wanted to really dig deep inside of me and really bring out my dislikes about myself, starting with forgiveness and/or forgetting.

Now I am the type of person who really hold things in and lets it eat at me for a very very long time. This is also why I get anxiety so much because part of it comes from remembering the past and letting it eat at me once again. I want to better that part of myself. I want to be able to forgive and forget. Mainly forgive myself. I have gone through some stupid times in my teens and I have never really forgiven myself for things that happened to me, things I chose to do, and things that I simply HAD to do. It is something that affects me emotionally and something that always comes back to mind every now and then and you know that it sticks for awhile. I ask God often to help me forgive myself and help me let go of all those feelings of regret, sadness, and just overall dirty feeling inside my heart. I also have to make the change by not letting it affect me. Once I start remembering, I have to let it go and not let it eat at me. I need to have that self control. Along with Gods help, I also need to make sure that I am doing my part and that is one thing that I am hopping to better about myself.

Another thing is, loving. Sometimes I can be a little rough in showing emotions. I know I show love but sometimes I can show it in different sense where others may think I am just being mean. Remember in elementary school when that bully would pick on you all of the time but that always meant that they liked you, well that’s kind of how I am at times. I can be rough with my husband and he sometimes comes out by saying that I am just being mean. Reality is, he gets me shy, still. Yes, I get shy at times and I have no idea how to react and that leads me to panic and be a little mean. I need to learn how to be calm and just really show what I feel in my heart.

An important one that I think should be bettered in all of us is learning how to be patient and accenting others. Now, I have worked with many people who drive me nuts but just recently I was hit with this big “Oh my God” moment. I always get put with people who are a little hard to be with…ok a lot hard to be with. Now others complain about these people and just hate being around them, yet I am always stuck with those kinds of people. Why? I know why, because it’s God blessing me. God is blessing me in teaching me how to deal with different people, different situations. He is helping me learn patience and learn that everyone deserves a chance. I want to look at things is a different prospective and that is how I am going to better myself overall. Yea I may not agree with people or hate that I am being told what to do by people who can’t even do their own job but who cares, I am learning to be a better person. God doesn’t want to see me complaining and making faces he wants to see me overcome and do my job the best I can. He wants to see me go beyond what I need to do and make a difference. This is how I am going to better myself, this is what I am going to work on. I need to better myself to be happy, to have peace in my heart, not only for myself but to set a good example for others to see.

Just a thought.

May God Bless You All!

Jessica ❤

Is It Weird…

…that I keep thinking today is Friday? It’s Wednesday. This morning I woke up dreading the fact that I had to get ready for work, but then suddenly I was overwhelmed with “yay it’s Wednesday.” I thought about what I do during my work day and I wasn’t in pain. You know the kind of pain you get when you know you have to do something you don’t want to do?  I wasn’t upset about it, it actually brought me joy. Yay it’s Wednesday!

I am surprised at how fast the weeks go by and by how fast my life is rolling by. It’s funny how when we are young we don’t think about out future, but now it’s a must to think about. I say live your life to the fullest. Don’t dread the days and pray for Friday to get here so fast. Have fun everyday, love everyday because God gave you another day of life. Live it!

With Love,

Jessica ❤

God Blesses!

How many of us have felt as if you were stuck were you are and just don’t like what you are doing, whether it’s your job, your life, etc? I know I have been there. As a matter of fact, I felt like that not too long ago when I was thinking about my job that I am at right now. I am the kind of person who likes being in charge. I like being in charge of my own classroom and having the liberty to come up with my own plans for the children, and all that fun stuff. I work as an Instructional Aide with Special Ed Students and what that means is, I am not the teacher, I am the one who follows orders from the teacher and follow students around and write their notes down for them. Now I am not saying that I hate what I do, no. In fact I love helping children, that is what I want to do. I do my best for these children because it is what brings me joy. What I don’t like is bending over backwards for teachers who boss others around and turn around and don’t give credit where credit is due.

This past Sunday I went to church and the pastor spoke about doing things so God can see. It’s not about looking good for your boss or your co-workers, It’s about doing your job, going far and beyond with your work because you were blessed and given the job you are at. God blessed me with this job. Although I may not like taking orders, I do my job and I do it well because I know that another door will open. I always try looking at the positives and I am so glad that I was able to hear the preaching that Sunday. It reminded me that I was blessed and that soon another door will open for me.

I have to say that I can already see another door opening for me. I start school next week for my Teaching Certification in Texas. I will soon be able to teach and have my own classroom and make a difference by what I feel fit. Teaching has always been in my heart and is something that I will forever want to do. We all start somewhere and we all must learn from where we are. We have to remember that God is watching and he wants to see you succeed in anything and everything. God would never put you in any situation that he feels you would fail at. We have to look at everything in a positive way. I may not like taking orders but if that is what I have to do for the time being than thank God for putting me where I am and with the people I am around. Don’t worry about people around you. You do what you have to do and do it right. Do things from your heart. Be a hard worker and you will be blessed.

With Much Love, God Bless!

Jessica ❤

To My Husband

Chris,

I wanted to open up to you through my writing in hopes that you will better understand the things that are going through my mind. I hope you have enough kindness in your heart to really hear me through all the way and feel what I feel, to better understand me and my struggle with myself.

Some days are better than others. You can tell right away when I have a blank look on my face, when I stare at the ceiling or when you ask me what I am thinking about and my response is “nothing.” Other days I have a huge smile on my face, I am in a great mood, but behind my shimmering eyes I am hiding something big, something not even I know what it is.

I know you tell me to find friends. Find a person who I can spend time with and share my secrets with, yea I can make friends, I like meeting new people, but the truth is I don’t feel as if I deserve friends. I don’t need people in my life. It makes me feel like I am obligated to talk to them. It’s hard for me to keep a friend. Not because I am a bad friend but because I can get anxiety. People give me anxiety. I am getting panicky just thinking about it.

Having anxiety isn’t just a faze that I go through, it’s and everyday thing. The moment I get into the car: “put on my seat belt because if I crash, I’ll die…I can’t be too close to that car because if he suddenly breaks, I’ll die…my left leg is in a weird angle, If I crash, my leg will break…did I lock the front door to the house?” If I think about things too much I get paranoid and it does more harm to my stressed mind.

I love alone time. In fact I love being alone so much that I miss being with people I want to be with, like you. It’s weird I know but that’s how I feel. These weird feelings that run through my body that I can’t explain. The sadness I feel deep in my soul for no reason. The random moments that I burst out in tears because all of these thoughts are running through my head at the same time and I can’t stop them no matter how hard I try. How the only way to overcome these thoughts is to bit my lip and wait it out. Don’t make it seem like you are breaking down Jessica because you are around people be strong, DON’T CRY, STOP TWITCHING, BREATH SLOWER, RELAX.

Why? Why is it that I go through this. I see you get upset when I don’t want to go with your friends or family, go to the movies, etc. It’s just I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like being around people, they get me nervous and I start thinking like they judge me. Everyone is judging me, because of the way I look, because of who I am. Panic sets in! You may not see it or notice it right away but that’s just because I am hiding under a thick shell.

Anxiety is building up inside me right now. I am taking deep breaths, I am also blinking my watery eyes more than normal. My heart races, my hands and legs get a little twitchy, my hearing is blocked a little. It’s all coming to me. This cloud that blocks me from being free. Free from my own mind. These anxieties lasts for weeks, so I just hope this troubled soul will get a break soon. I want to do things that I love to do. The thing is, I don’t know what I love to do, for myself, something that gives me peace and relaxation.

Now don’t get me wrong. I do have great moments. Like while I am working and things keep me occupied. I can be happy and love being around people. It’s just a matter of what I am doing and if I don’t think of anything strange to stress over. In fact sometimes I can hide it real well and have the best day but at the end of the day, it all goes down in flames. I start thinking about the day and what could have happened, what I could have changed. Oh the stress starts creeping back in. Oh well.

I hope you don’t think I am just trying to get more attention from you by telling you all of this. I hope you can really take all this in with an open mind and try to understand my needs and my worries. That is something that I also worry about. About what you think of me and my mental condition. I can tell it often irritates you and I feel as if it’s just a load of crap that I’m making up. No. It’s real. And it happens…a lot.

I love my life. Although at times I wish I didn’t have this life because I don’t deserve it, but I do truly love my life. My life with you and everything about it. I am very grateful and I will continue to be because I can not let this anxiety beat me. I refuse to let it win over my mind completely. I pray to God that he takes this away and helps me learn from it. I might be overwhelmed with sadness or get anxiety attacks but that is just what happens, it won’t stop me from trying to be me. It wont stop me from trying to find my true self.

With All Of My Love,

Your Wife, Jessica ❤

 

Doing What I Love

About three months ago I was given the opportunity to work with Special Needs children in a middle school. What I do is aide 8 children with different needs in their classrooms. Basically I am being paid to go back to middle school, take notes and make sure that my children are safe and staying on task. It sounds pretty easy right? Well it can be very challenging. These kids are so different from each other and very important to me. Although they may be a hand full almost all day, these children are so precious and really do change the way you see not only learning, teaching, but how no matter what the challenges they may have, they are able to learn with the correct materials and great teachers who push and never give up.

Going back a few months, I was a teacher of my own classroom. I taught preschool, 3-5 year olds in a small wonderful school in Hawai’i. Now, teaching preschool has been the best time of my career. It taught me how to better teach children and how to go far and beyond for children in their learning. Now I do miss teaching preschool but I do have to say that teaching middle school Special Education has been a blessing to me. Not only is it opening my eyes to new in teaching children but it is opening my heart even more and realizing that no matter how difficult children may be or how difficult their needs are, they can learn anything and everything, all they need are special teachers. I want to be that kind of teacher!

These kids are teaching me so much more and I thank God for allowing me to work with some great children who make me happy to see them succeed in school. I am still steering towards teaching preschool in the future but so far I am going to soak up everything I can where I am at now.

I hope I did not offend anyone reading this post. I truly enjoy what I am doing and supporting children in their learning.

May God Bless You All!

Jessica ❤

Molding Clay In My Pocket

So far so good. I have been doing great with my job, great taking care of my doggie, my husband and most importantly, taking care of myself.

A few weeks ago I tried to promise myself that I will learn how to take care of myself both physically and mentally. As we all ready know I get anxiety attacks and just have overall worries about anything and everything. So I have decided that it was time to take care of my overall health, which seems pretty fair to me. I started off by learning a little more on how other people deal with their stress and anxieties on a daily basis. I know that may seem silly but really I didn’t know how to really deal with it myself. It already feels as if I am alone in this, so why not learn from others.

As the days went on, I have been talking to myself, in my mind of course, saying that everything is great and getting myself pumped up for the day. I have been looking more at the positive things again because somewhere along the lines, I have forgotten to ignore the negatives. So as my days are starting to roll I make sure that I am not forgetting to breath (I know sounds silly) and just keeping a smile on my face.

It’s the little things that really help me through the day. I get to remind myself that I get to come home and see my dog and see my family and my favorite part of the day, get to relax and be in bed. It seems like a lot of times all I want to do is just lie in bed and not be around people but I understand that that is not living. I have to get up every morning and live. As much as I would feel more comfortable being in bed starring at the ceiling fan, I need to get up and live. At the end of the day I get to reward myself with a nice warm bed and comfy pillows to just lie there until I fall asleep.

There comes a point where it is not fair to just shut everyone out because of certain anxieties. It’s not fair to others and especially not to yourself. Although a rough day at work stresses me out, I can prove to myself that I can control these anxieties by looking at the good in the day and just taking a few minutes in the bathroom or anywhere really to just breath!

What has been helping me also is playing with a small piece of molding clay. I have a little container small enough to fit in my jacket pocket and put a piece of clay in there. When I see myself messing with my nails, my ring, my hands, I get the clay out and just squish it and mold it. Within a few minutes I get those compulsive urges out of my system and go on with my day. It’s simple but so much fun. Anything that works I think is great. Either way, I know that I have to get my mind back on track. It is not all about keeping yourself healthy physically but it is also important to get your mental health on it’s best shape possible. I am doing it for myself. I hope that everyone takes time during the day to just relax and breath. It helps sooth your soul and keep your mind fresh. We all need to be healthy physically but most importantly healthy mentally.

May God Bless You all!

Jessica ❤